i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
