Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
FUCK WHALES
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