I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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