I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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