I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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