she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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