Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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