Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
