did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
