You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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