The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
