Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My cat gives me a boner
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
