the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
