dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
