its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
