my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
