Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
