I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
