I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
