I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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