u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
