I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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