I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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