She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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