We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
