I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
