I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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