Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
