i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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