it's like russian roulette but with a penis
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
