True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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