I swear god or herbie drove my car home
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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