I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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