i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
