I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You ruined the universe
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
