I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
