she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
