Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
