Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Green mimosas i think yes
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
