Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There's always time for handjobs
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
