They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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