no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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