Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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