well you can't waste a boner
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
