lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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