They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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