You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
