I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Vodka?
Forever.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
