I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
