I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
