I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
